Yet another thing I’m called upon to explain frequently in Greece and Turkey—and one I feel qualified to, unlike how the perennial “How did your country elect George Bush?” — is, “What the heck is up with this PFC Jessica Lynch?”

The facts: The ‘PFC’ means “Private, First Class”. In other words, lowest of the low. She didn’t even make NCO (I didn’t know that was possible for a white girl). Her sole roles in the Iraq conflict were to be captured after the rest of her unit was killed, and to endanger more American lives by necessitating a rescue mission. Depending on what report you read, she may not have even fired her weapon as her unit was attacked. (She’s not sure.) Yet on her return to the States, she’s been lauded as a hero—people she doesn’t know lined the five-mile return to her home from the airport, with banners and cheering.

In other countries, you see, they have real heroes who actually did something. Something other than screw up, I mean. So they’re understandably curious why Americans are so proud of their “Jessi”. (I think it’s because of a slight resemblance to ex-Princess Diana).